A while back, the workbook Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby & Claude King kept coming to mind, and I’d think “I should do that again. It was good.” Then I’d just go on with daily life and not do it. But the closer I got to working on a special project that I felt God calling me to do, the more pressing was the thought of re-reading Experiencing God BEFORE the special project.
And I now KNOW WHY! He is preparing me! I’ll be sharing some tidbits from the workbook over the next few posts. Wow…wow! Some amazing stuff in that workbook study!
As I started Experiencing God and realized WHY He wanted me to do that study again and WHAT He was doing, I felt totally guilty that I hadn’t started when He first prompted me. I started beating myself up. Thankfully, God spoke to me that I was doing it in His time….if I had done it earlier, I would have missed some vital revelations that are pertinent to NOW.
But my first self-condemning reaction was my usual M.O. It’s my DEFAULT reaction. My.Whole.Life. Feeling guilty. That I’ve done something wrong. Again. Feeling less than adequate. That I wasn’t measuring up. That my performance wasn’t up to par.
What an epiphany I had….Well, duh…
After hundreds of sermons, devotionals, journaling, prayer, Bible studies…..I’m STILL ranking myself in the “Christian Hall of Fame” and ending up waaaaay down at the bottom. I’m STILL trying to EARN God’s Love and acceptance. I’m STILL feeling guilty when I fail at MEASURING UP! I’m STILL trying to please the impossible-to-please God in my mind. I’m not talking about being convicted of my sinful ways here….it goes way beyond that.
I didn’t think I was doing that anymore. But He showed me that I was. You could read my journals & see exactly what I’m talking about…..always apologizing for not being who I think I should be. Who I try to be. Who I think God wants me to be.
One of many things He’s been revealing to me, especially through Experiencing God. More on that later…..
P.S. I had to add this onto what I had already written above but not published yet: I got an email devotional this morning. Guess what it was about? Yep. That’s right. Here’s an excerpt:
I carry shame and guilt over sins I have already confessed. I hold onto the guilt and work to make it up to God. I live as if I am really, really sorry, then He will forgive me. Or, if I do something for someone else today, then maybe I will make myself right before God. However, that is not what the Lord has for us. Christ has set us free. Not free to do whatever we please but free from the penalty of sin. In fact, we have freedom from having to earn His love and earn His forgiveness. He has already paid the price, and he has already forgiven us of our vices and shortfalls.
Actions in keeping with repentance are appropriate! But, all those extra “sorry’s” and all the things I do to try to make myself right with God are not about Him. Those things are all about the attempts I make to improve my “standing” in His eyes.SDG (Soli Deo Gloria which means, “To God alone glory”)