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I can’t get this song (below) out of my head lately. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly why…It’s like the exact concept is in there somewhere. It’s hovering in my consciousness, but I can’t quite grasp the complete idea that God wants me to hear……but almost.  There are so many phrases in this song that just capture my heart, among them:

  • YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHO I REALLY AM
  • YOUR THOUGHTS BURN THROUGH ME LIKE A FIRE
  • WE JUST NEED A TASTE OF WHO WE ARE
  • WE’RE WILLING TO GO BUT NOT THAT FAR
  • WHEN I COULD ONLY SEE THE FLOOR, YOU MADE MY WINDOW A DOOR

Although I cry every time I hear this song, that last phrase listed makes me cry especially. And trust me….I do not miss the GC of the word door. It just keeps popping up. See my posts here and here among other things. On a friend’s Facebook status this morning (Oswald wisdom: Unless you learn to open the door of your life completely and let God in from your first waking moment of each new day, you will be working on the wrong level throughout the day.) and then in an article I read this morning…

How was I feeling this morning? Feeling the walls closing in around me, that’s what. I’m feeling pulled in many directions – the pull of others and of upcoming responsibilities. Feeling the fear and anxiety of my son leaving to study in Istanbul, Turkey in 2 weeks. Yep, been struggling with that ALL SUMMER but trying NOT to. I’m truly having a hard time surrendering his safety to God, surrendering my control of the situation (Yes, I know…I don’t have any control of my son’s life – it’s a false sense of control but one I’ve been clinging to). Turning him and his life over to the One who Created him. My desire to hear from God. The desire to BE what God wants. I have a couple of devotionals that I really want to read and learn from that I try to fit in every day and am really feeling the NEED to read through the Bible as I talked about here. REALLY a big NEED. I’m reading and loving the Chronological Bible by the way. And I’m really feeling..at cross purposes…what’s the word I’m looking for…CONFLICTED! between WHO I AM right now/have been and WHO/WHAT God wants me to be….I think….I see glimpses of WHO God wants me to be, but I’m nowhere near it. I keep thinking, why am I not changing? Why am I still selfish? Why do I still feel like the old me? Why am I still dealing with the Same. Old. Stuff?!?!?

There are things that I KNOW are holding me back.  That I just can’t seem to surrender. Why is it so hard? And then perhaps part of it is the working of the enemy. I know he doesn’t want me to move ahead…he wants me to feel conflicted.

Back to the article I read this morning – referencing the door – by John Eldredge:

“….in Revelation 3 (Yes, this is what I posted about in The Door), He says ‘I stand at the door knocking.’ Somebody locked that door, and it wasn’t Jesus. He’s speaking to Christians – that’s a letter written to the church – and He’s saying, ‘You’ve locked Me out. Please let ME in.’ We tend to interpret Jesus through our brokenness and create ways to lock Him out. For example, there’s the Christian who says, ‘Well, God doesn’t speak directly to me.’ It’s going to be very difficult for that person to discern God speaking to him because he’s already created a limit that says, ‘No, He doesn’t act this way.’

Now, what’s so beautiful about the heart of God is that He will live within these limits for a while because He wants relationship with you. He’ll try to come in through some other door, (kinda sounds like a window, don’t you think?) trying to keep the relationship open – as a loving parent would do with a teenager. You don’t just slam the door on the teenager.  You say, ‘Okay, if these are the ground rules you’re creating, then in order to keep communication open, I’ll relate to you like this for while.’ FOR A WHILE. But Jesus says, ‘I’m still knocking. Please stop shutting the door.’

I am not the Christian referenced above who doesn’t think God speaks directly to me. I KNOW He does. And I’ve written about it and will write more about it. So what limits have I created to keep Him from transforming me? Maybe He already is doing that, and I just can’t see it. Can’t feel it.  Am I just being too impatient?  Is there some spiritual warfare involved? Are these just “growing pains?” Or am I just not responding to what He wants? Am I wrestling with Him like this post? I just re-read that post and am sobbing. Is God wrestling with me instead?  It’s like a tug-of-war going on with my thoughts. I HATE this…being fearful, anxious, unsettled.

Well, now that I’ve totally poured my heart out…..I hope I don’t regret it. I feel completely vulnerable with this post. Kinda makes me wish I were anonymous now.

A lot of bloggers in this community write uplifting, encouraging, teaching words. I’m grateful for that and get much out of them. But sometimes that makes me feel like I’m the only one who struggles. But I really don’t think I am. From the beginning of this blog, I felt that I was supposed be open and vulnerable to allow others to take comfort in the fact that they didn’t have to be “perfect” Christians. We do not have to wear a mask, pretending to have it all together.  I take comfort from the characters in the Bible.  They certainly had their issues.

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